People are fat because of Santa

I have decided that Santa is failing society. While others have changed their ways and their mantra, Santa continues to bring down society by being the anti-hero. America’s children are getting increasingly fatter every year and it is the fault of Santa. We need a change.

Santa is contributing to the obesity of children in three ways: Personal fitness, cookie consumption, and toy distribution.

Santa is a fat man. There really is no way to get around that (or him). He is known for his slumbering. He is known for using elf slaves to do all of his work for him while he sits in his plush office looking over the spreadsheet of “naughty and nice.” Santa is even known for making the reindeer do all the flying while he sits in the back snoozing. (It was well known that from 1823 – 1930 there were 8 reindeer. But after one hundred years of a sedentary life style, Santa had to bring in another, albeit deformed, reindeer to pull the sled.) This image of sitting around and doing nothing while others do your work for you is a bad example for our children. If Santa really were of any good he would be working out in the gym, crafting toys, and being active. We would see him playing catch with the elves and promoting weight loss programs in the office. If Lance Armstrong can go from almost dying to winning the Tour de France, then why can’t fat Santa change his ways and become healthy Santa. For the good of our kids, we need a Santa with better personal fitness.

Cookie Monster used to be with Santa. “Me want cookie! Me eat cookie!” was the mantra of Mr. Monster, but Cookie realized the errors of his ways. In 2006 Cookie Monster announced his change in policy. “Cookies are a sometimes food.” He said. Santa needs to follow Mr. Monster’s example and start a PR campaign to try to persuade the children of the world to leave him healthier snacks. If you are ever really bored at work on Christmas Eve and you have time to think about it, just in the SF bay area alone there are 12 million people. Estimating that only 1 out of every 10 homes leaves cookies for Santa that’s 1.2 million cookies just in the Bay Area alone. Additionally, that is assuming that only one cookie is left for Saint Nick. I know some families that leave three, four and up to seven cookies for Santa – all of which are consumed by morning. That’s pushing the number up to six million cookies. And Santa currently says “That’s okay” when he should really be saying “I like cookies from time to time but when pulling an all-night graveyard shift I prefer an Energy Bar or a nice green salad. So if you are going to leave me something, leave something healthy. Ho Ho Ho.” This way he shows the joy in healthy eating and the joys of personal discipline when eating. Since coming out as a veggie lover, Mr. Cookie Monster has not seen any drop in popularity. I believe that Santa will be just as popular tomorrow as he is today if he comes out with a healthier, less cookie, diet agenda.

Santa’s last contribution to a fattening society is a distribution of toys. As I’ve done unofficial surveys of my clients at work – the Santa requested items have nearly all included video games and media driven toys. No one has asked for a stick and a hoop or even a bike. Instead, children have been leaping onto Santa’s lap and been pleading for more and more toys that will leave them on their carpets and couches eating Cheetos and playing guitar solos. And what does Santa do?? He merely asks if they’ve been bad or good and then hands them a candy cane and sends them on their way. Then come Christmas Morning, the children shuffle down to the tree to find the requested items taking up space under the tree. After the shredding of wrapping paper, the consumption of couch potato media ensues. Thank you Santa for giving children no reason to go outside and all the more reason to be anti social and consuming media. How about a change in direction? Mall Santas should start by placing pictures of little boys and girls, having fun being active and socializing, all around the area where the children wait in line. Then, once on his lap, Santa should conduct an interview pertaining to the activity of the child? How much running does the child do? What do they do at recess? Do they know the names of any of the third graders in the class next door? What are the names of the players for the New York Jets on Madden 2009? (if they know more from that latter question than the former question there is a problem). Then Santa should spend a few seconds promoting an active lifestyle with the child. Lastly, instead of asking them the open ended question of “What do you want for Christmas?” Santa should state, “The elves are only making bikes, balls, gloves, and other sporting equipment this year. What athletic item do you want?” Thus Santa will be promoting a life style where the toys distributed help in the battle against childhood obesity and not fighting for childhood obesity.
So to recap – Santa needs to get his fat butt up and active, Santa needs to promote healthy foods, and Santa needs to distribute toys that promote activity and not media consumption.