The Demons within

"Sean, I have five levels of depression. There is the first that I tell your dad. There is the second that I tell you. There is the third I tell my therapist. The last two I can't tell anyone. They scare me and terrify me and keep me up at night. For some of it only two people know what's there - me and the woman that did it to me. For other parts they are just my dark demons." - mom

It's finals time. Which really only means one thing for me - I'm avoiding doing the projects and homework I need to do. Tonight I cleaned my room and did my laundry. Tomorrow night I'll drive to Oakland and watch Messiah. Sunday night I'll find something to do to limit my studying availability. It's one of my self defeating personality issues. This semester is actually quite interesting - I usually self destruct in a semester a lot sooner.

Part of my avoidance technique is veggie in front of my computer. Tonight I watched a very interesting movie called "Lars and the Real Girl" (recommended to me by Brad). It is the story of a guy dealing with the things in his life in a not so conventional way. It's a really good movie both because it is funny and sweet, but more to me, it's a dance with unconventional psychology. I like psycho therapy that doesn't involve the couch and the laying down.

I think it's that couch that scares me the most.
--

I see a lot of hurt in the world today. In the past few weeks I've had friends die, get raped, find out they can't have kids and that they are seriously ill and will need to spend the holidays in the hospital. I see a lot of hurt in strained marriages and hard childhoods. And I want to help. Over the next few months I'm going to be taking some psychology classes, and if things go well in those classes - I will start the process to get a degree in clinical psychology. I feel a need to help those that are hurting.

There's just one problem. In able to help those others - I have to first confront myself.
--

I have some inner demon issues. On my mission I referred to them as the black dragon (in my journal I used the name Black Dragon so that my kids reading my journal down the road wouldn't exactly know what the particular dragons were. This of course was all before Brother Hayes at BYUI suggested we keep our journals on the computer because it makes it easier to edit out the bad...). My black dragons were a constant fight for my whole mission. I realized a long time ago that I look at the world very differently than a lot of the people around me. And it is in that different looking that I get caught up in fighting those demons.

I've only attempted to get control over these Demons a few times. Once was while I was dating KNJ-P. I have never felt more safe than when I was with her. And so I tried. One of the avenues I attempted was the LDS 12-step program. When I got to step 4 I did as I was directed. Because the LDS church was still using "He did Deliver me from Bondage" there was really no protocol for step 4. So I got a hold of the AA 155 questions (which I sadly couldn't find a link to) and went to work. Thankfully - I've never touched alcohol in my life so like 50 of those questions didn't apply. But some did. Some of those questions cut deep into my soul. I openly wept as I wrote down those answers.

After I was done I moved on to step 5. I knew I needed to share with God, my sponsor and one other person. I chose KNJ-P. We got about 20 questions in when she stopped me. It was too much. Some of those demons were too hard for her to hear about. We never discussed step 4 again. And I stuffed deep down those things that step four had brought to the surface. My mother occasionally got a glimpse of them but for the most part I just kept them low. Eventually mom died and KNJ-P left and I just kept stuffing. However as Colleen says, "To stuff some you have to stuff all."

And so I stuffed and I stuffed and I stuffed. Eventually I went off to BYUI, lasted 6 months before I freaked out at the stress of school and being homesick for a home that didn't exist. (My mom had died the year earlier. It was her who I found comfort in.) I dropped out of school and moved to Oregon (which is a whole other post in it's self.) After a 6 month stay in Oregon I returned to BYUI. And I started therapy. For about a year I met with a school counselor and I brought some stuff to the surface. And then he went on sabbatical and I dug down again. I never liked the new 12 step program that the church adopted. It seemed fake. So I just hunkered down. A few people tried to pry open the mystery box known as Sean - but I didn't let them. I just haven't felt that safe again.

--
In able to go into clinical psychology (or even Marriage and family counseling or sadly even vocational counseling) you must submit to exploratory therapy. You must be willing to meet with a therapist and lay on the couch and open up. You must do what you will ask others to do with you: You must trust that you are safe and that the demons won't destroy you if brought to the surface. You must do what scares the hell out of me and what my one hero, my mom, wasn't able to do. You must open up.
--

During the day I am in love with Melinda. I love her smile. I love the way she tells stories. I love the way she deals with people. I love how she is just herself no matter what others say or do.

At night - I dream with KNJ-P. It used to only happen when I was sober, so I found a way to fix that. Now it doesn't matter. Sober or with the addiction at the helm - it doesn't matter. I have dreams that are so real I feel like We are still right there. Some nights - I never want to wake up because I can still smell her hair and her voice still brings comfort. Other nights, it's all I can do to stay asleep. I wake up and try to think of other stuff and then go back to sleep only to see her again. Adam isn't around - it's just her and I. And it haunts me. I want to flee. Flee back to the land I love. Or flee far from California. But I know from so many other experiences in life - you just can't flee. Life has a way of catching up to you. No matter if you leave the slum, if you have slum in you it remains until either you cleanse yourself from the inside out or you allow Him to do it for you.

--
The time is quickly approaching to make new goals for 2009. (For a review of 2008 go here). I wonder if one of them should be to fight demons. I wonder if one of them should be to overcome the dreams and the fear. I wonder if I can do that and move onto being a better man. I wonder.
--
There is a movie called Bed of Roses. In it a man has had his world fall apart - and so he falls apart for a time. Then he falls for a girl and he starts living again. Eventually the girl breaks his heart. (she breaks her own in the process) After he is done grieving he realizes that he had started living again and so he continues to go on "living." He buys furniture and starts doing some of the things that brought him joy in the past life that he just couldn't bring himself to do any more. He unpacks again, sort of speaks. (eventually the girl returns and they live happily ever after but that isn't the point.)

I wonder if I am ready to start living again, to destroy the demons that hold me back and go on living. That would be nice.