Raccoons

"Why don't blind people go sky diving? It scares the heck out of the guide dogs."

Raccoons are known around the world for being animals with perfect night vision. At night, their eyes are able to see things as if it were at noon on Tuesday. They can see objects, food and predators easily. It is God's gift to raccoons to see really well at night.

Unfortunately, it is not night time all the time. Just as the moon is a constant companion, so is the sun. The sun always rises in the east (except on one night in May 1994, but that's another story). It stretches across the sky and lights up the world making night vision goggles worthless.

It also makes the perfect night vision of raccoons worthless. They go from 20/20 to being blinder than than people who see us winning in Iraq. And it is for this reason that raccoons wind up on our roads splattered.

Now I'm sure you're thinking the same thing I once did - "If the raccoons know that the sun will blind them, why don't they just make it home before sun up. The Count does, why can't they?" It's not always that simple. Sometimes they lose track of time, or they get distracted following some food or sometimes they do plan ahead and then they become victims of circumstance. It is that last reason I want to talk about tonight.

Raccoons are in desperate need of your help. Many of you have seen or at least know about seeing eye dogs. They are trained by people with vision for people without. Raccoons need the same from us. They need people with vision to train seeing eye mice to guide raccoons home after a night of tipping over garbage cans.

"Mice?" you ask. Yes, mice. Seeing eye dogs and raccoons don't get along all that well. They are constantly trying to eat each other and it doesn't do you any good to get home if you get there in the belly of a yellow Labrador. Mice aren't trying to eat raccoons and therefore there is a more harmonious work environment.

I know the other question you are asking, "Shouldn't the raccoons be training their own mice?" And the answer is, they probably should but ever since the start of the program there has been trouble with that. You see, the raccoons placed an ad on the radio for mice to come help the blind. They started doing these ads in the cities where the raccoons had particular problems in alleys during storms. Responding to the add was these three little mice. Unfortunately, they all were tailless (which made it hard for the raccoons to hold onto them and be led by them), but furthermore they were all blind. Literally it was the blind leading the blind in an alley during a thunderstorm. Well, the raccoons got so frustrated with these three tailless blind mice that they ate them. Recruitment went way down after that and hasn't fully recovered. The raccoons are trying a new ad campaign next summer that involves a sexy blond mouse washing a car while eating a cheeseburger while helping a raccoon not get hit by the car, but until then, the raccoons need your help. They need you to start training seeing eye mice. With your help, the raccoons will be able to make it home alive without falling prey to cars and trucks they just couldn't see coming.