Mathmatically Challenged Cats

Last year I brought to your attention the horror and destruction that is brought to our country by the actions of Terrorists Jack Rabbits. Later on I showcased the plight of the depressed deer committing suicide at an alarming rate. I feel now it is time to discuss math and this country's low math scores and how it is affecting our local cat population.

As is no secret, our country routinely scores lower than most other countries when it comes to math and science. Furthermore, our country is so lacking in math and science teachers that the federal government will actually pay you to become a high school math or science teacher. (They will pay for some of your schooling and you get extra bonus checks after graduating.)

I think this is a time to mention that I too, suck at math. I am a product of a California education that focussed on beach days, senior graffiti nights and trying desperately not to get your high school sweetheart pregnant or shot and killed. Math was definitely not my focus. I am very happy that on the fifth attempt to pass Statistics, I was able to get a satisfactory D-.

I lulled myself into a sense of security with the all too common phrase, "Not knowing math is only hurting anyone but myself. Where's the harm in that?" I have recently learned that there is incredible harm in that, and that my cavalier attitude toward math has had a devastating effect on my neighborhood cat.

There are some simple quick facts that are unanimously agreed upon when it comes to cats.

• Cats always land on their feet.
• Cats rule the home.
• Cats are jealous of any thing that distracts you from them.
• Curiosity kills cats
  
• Cats have 9 lives.

It is that last fact that has come to mean so much to me in recent days. Unfortunately, our bad math has rubbed off on our cats and they are suffering for it. My desire to go to the beach and not bring home my text books to study has affected the life of my cats. They are dumber because of my salty wave experiences. They don't know how to solve chi formulas or find the square root of and object four times its size and half its weight. Our cats can't even do simple math. And because of that - they are dying.

Because they don't learn simple math skills, they now litter our roads and freeways. So often, they miscount the number of times they have died. Because of their poor math skills, they unfortunately assume they still have one more life left so they feel it is okay to follow their friends the chickens and cross the road.

But bad math leads to smashed up cat. As they feel the final splat they quickly realize how poor their math skills are and how important it is to study our brought home textbooks.

And this means that for the sake of our cats, we must must MUST become better at math.