In a recent trip across Wyoming, I came upon a region infested with terrorist Jackrabbits. Jackrabbits, as you may know, are furry little creatures with big ears and really big back legs. Unlike their relatives, these are not cute bunnies. These are terrorist Jackrabbits bent on the destruction of America, even if is one car accident at a time.
The Terrorist JackRabbits (or TJRs) were not born terrorists. And might I add, not all jackrabbits are terrorists. In the course of their lives, though, some jackrabbits just go astray. No one is quite sure when it starts, but everyone is clear on the results. TJRs are a force to be reckoned with.
Some of you readers might be questioning at this point, “What is the mission of a TJR?” It’s a simple one: Disrupt American Travel! How are they going about this mission? By repeatedly attempting suicide missions.
In the course of just four miles of road, I counted over 50 dead successful TJRs. These initial slaughters seem to be trial runs. These are the TJRs that were chosen to be part of the first wave or the “experimental group.” Their mission was to see what times of the day work best to attack. Additionally, they were assigned to figure out if they should go it alone or in pacts when attacking. Lastly they were assigned the importance of figuring out what vehicles would give them the greatest reward.
Daylight showed the worst results. People in family vehicles often swerved or broke or even stopped. The worse were the families that not only didn’t hit the TJR, but instead got out of their Dodge Caravans to take pictures. Nothing gets a TJR teased more than being photographed while trying to express terror and destruction.
Another result was that big vehicles, or “tractor-trailers”, or “Semi’s” seemed to be the worse vehicles to attempt to destroy. They rarely slowed down and never was damaged caused. The TJR’s suicide was in vain.
Through this “experimental group” the TJRs came to the conclusion that nighttime attacks worked the best, especially if the intended target was a family size vehicle, preferably a small car with very little clearance in the undercarriage. This brought the TJR’s to the second phase or the “practice group.”
It’s not easy jumping in front of a moving car at the right time to cause sufficient damage. Three main TJRs are required. The first is the lookout. He is stationed ¾ of a miles up the road. His job is to look for potential victims to attack. When he sees a small car with a sleepy driver or a family full of young children that adore jackrabbits, the lookout stomps his foot three times on the ground signaling the second vital TJR to get ready. The second TJR is known as “The Sacrifice.” His family will be honored greatly by his willingness to die for this cause. They will be rewarded handsomely if “The Sacrifice” does an incredible amount of damage to the passenger car. The Sacrifice is by far, the most important TJR in these attacks.
The last TJR is the analysis rabbit. His job is to survey the results: see how many people died, see what damage was done to the car, see how far The Sacrifice had to jump to do the best amount of damage. This information is critical to the last phase of the mission.
The third, and final, phase is known as the “All ahead full group” This phase is coming soon. Soon the people of America will know what is like to have their travel plans altered. Soon America will know what the phrase “Road Closures” really means. Soon, very soon, the TJRs will know the taste of victory and asphalt better than they’ve ever known it before.
If it weren’t for the TJRs, we, as a people, would be left to think that those 50 carcasses on the roads of Wyoming were just really dumb animals that can’t navigate a simple two-lane road with out getting hit. And we all hope their not that dumb of creature. I mean jeez, some people hunt jackrabbits. I’d hate to thing the dumb hunters wasted all that time and ammunition for something I could do in a Honda Civic in Wyoming.
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