Sean in review - 2005

(I had about 20 links on here when my computer froze up. I will try to link sruff later.)

It’s that time of year again. It is time to reflect on the months, weeks, days and hours gone by. It’s time to “Review Sean in 2005.” I’ve kind of divided this review up into 6 separate areas. (Fair warning, this will be a long post. Settle in, grab some hot chocolate and get ready for a long read.)

School

I’m not sure I could choose a major to save my life. I really like what Einstein said about education “I never let school get in the way of my education.” Amen. I umm, struggled a lot this past semester. I did fine in the summer, but the classes were boring and, in the end, not really needed. The grammar class will help me to remember how screwed up the English language truly is. The literature class will remind me how much I truly hate writing essays. The film class will hold special significance in my heart as the first place I saw “It’s a wonderful life” but was not quite the class I expected it to be.

This semester was less worthless. I learned a lot about myself through my performance this semester. The first thing I learned is I have poor time management skills. I do not manage my time well at all. I don’t use every minute of the day to the fullest like I wish I could. For some reason, I’m just not wired that way and so a lot of time goes off being wasted on the internet (Linkup) or watching movies or twiddling my thumbs.

The second thing I learned is I don’t really know how to study. I’m not sure how I made it out of Ohlone College with A’s, B’s and C’s. I honestly don’t know how to study, or what to study or how to study the stuff I know I should be studying. On the last week of school I was going out sledding not because I didn’t want to study, but I just didn’t know how. It used to be I could casually read my assignments and go from there, but that’s not the case any more. I actually have to study it, what ever that means. I’m purposely taking off one day a week (I’ll lose money doing it) so that I can go to the study center and have them teach me how to study so that next semester I can do better. Maybe I can learn how to be an A student.

When I came to this school I came with three reasons. 1. I wanted a place where I could take knj that would be appropriate. I knew I didn’t have the grades for BYU Provo, but I knew she wanted an LDS college. 2. I came here because I was heavily into Theatre. I had just finished up ten years with a church owned theatre in Oakland. I wanted to work in a theatre that didn’t push the envelop with swearing, nudity or just bad tasted plays. I wanted a place where I could do theatre, learn, grow and get better, but in a clean environment I would feel comfortable bringing myself and knj to. Lastly I came to this school to get my special education credentials. I taught special education for about 6 years (on and off) and thought I wanted to be a teacher. But two education classes later, I decided that it was a skill I had, but not one I wished to continue in. So I was stuck here. In the past year, I’ve changed my major about 10 times. The first time was hard, but it seems to get easier with time. My challenge lies in have a great desire to do something good, namely for people with disabilities. It was decided this year that the place I need to be is as a Health Science Major because it will get me to be a Doctor in Physical Therapy. That said, I keep being told I ought to go into Therapeutic recreation because it will allow me to do a lot of the things I did this school year. I organized wheelchair basketball, adaptive biking (with help from AG & BSR), and other activities. Currently I’m learning how to do adaptive skiing (which is creating a great yearning inside of me to learn how to snowboard and ski. If only LM could see me now – I swore to her in high school I would never learn how to snowboard). The only problem with Therapeutic Rec is there aren’t a lot of jobs working out side of mental hospitals. I had a family member that was committed several times to mental hospitals. No way in Hell am I returning to those places.

Now I’ve listened to the interviews from the guys from MURDERBALL, I know that the OT’s and PT’s are the boring guys and the TR’s are the guys that come in and pass out the fun badges. But so few jobs are open to TR’s to do that. Mostly are in Mental Health, which I’m not going into.

Others have suggested I go into Law. I could do so much good for the disabled by arguing for their rights and at interpreting law. This is an intriguing idea, but one lawyer in the family is enough right? Besides how cool will it be for my father to be able brag at his high school reunion mixers “Yes, I’ve got one Doctor and one Lawyer and one Museum person and a future Pitcher for the Oakland A’s. My family is great.” Joking aside, I’m just not interested in the Law as much as I would need to be to do that type of work.

So I’m a health science major now. I’m struggling at times to keep up in this new major. But mainly this has to do with my lack of study skills. But I know that with my work through Adaptive Services that I really like working with people with disabilities and empowering them. Physical therapy will allow me to do that.

Psychosis

These past 8 months have sucked sooo much yet have been helping me to become a better person psychology wise. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that my worth wasn’t determined by my relationship status. I learned that I have many things to contribute to a friendship and relationship. This was hard to get to because when knj & I broke up she e-mailed me a list of things she thought was wrong with me and my little OCD mind focused on those three or four things because I thought I wasn’t worth anything because I couldn’t over come those things. But therapy has helped me to see several things: 1. Knj is just one opinion. 2. I have so many more wonderful things in me that those 3 or 4 faults do not determine me. Sure I should consider those and look into growing out of them, but they don’t determine whom I am. I also learned that I have troubles seeing things as black and white. It’s either this or this. I have a hard time with grey area. This is most prevalent in how I view myself. Father is constantly trying to convince me to be less hard on my self. (By the way, Father is no longer mad at me because of the amount of junk I own, but sure is looking forward to my visit so I can sort through it and make some stuff magically go away.) Also discussed in therapy was my need to start forgetting. I could tell you the dates of every get together and every breakup of every girlfriend since 14. I could tell you the dates of tragic events in my family. I could tell you all sorts of dates. Additionally, I could tell you other stuff if it had a date to correspond to it. My therapist started getting me to forget dates. Except for about 4 specific dates, I’m doing very well at forgetting (Mother’s death, knj’s B’day, day I gave up my virginity, and the day I entered the MTC. It’s weird I would remember that last one yet forget my nieces birthday. Weird.). I learned that sometimes I speak too much about certain topics that others could care less about and learned to speak less about those. I learned to stop looking for fights and focus on fun stuff instead (which is really fun to watch – the guys that got used to political debates last year. They come up to me now and expect the same debate, but it doesn’t happen. I won’t get contentious just to get contentious. What’s the point? That’s not to say I don’t go into debates, I just get into less and I try to avoid the overly contentious ones.) Therapy was useful in other ways, but I’m not sure how to convey those ways on here. I might update later on that.

Group therapy proved useful in teaching me I hate group therapy. I much would rather prefer to go to 12-step.

Church/Spirituality

I ran away to Oregon because I felt like I was losing my spiritual self. A professor asked me what made me happy and I couldn’t tell her when it used to be church, service, missionary work and knj. For some reason I didn’t feel I had any of that last fall. So I ran away to Oregon. I found a bit of it, but it wasn’t until I came back to Rexburg that I found that I’m whole still. I still love my God and His Son Christ and the Holy Ghost. I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and of the church. So what was wrong before? I eventually discovered it was the bishop I had at the time. I hated going to church because I felt so uncomfortable at church. The ward was cliquish and very social and very…ugg! As fate would have it, I got assigned back into that ward at the beginning of fall semester. I spent two months being miserable before transferring out. I am so much happier than I was. I’m in branch of singles that are all local/native people. I don’t always understand the jokes, but I feel safer, better. I’m very happy again. A time, not too long ago, I would have blamed the bishop, but I now know that I’m the one with the problem. Therefore I must resolve that problem. In this case, it was by leaving. I think that’s all I need to say about that.

Home/Living

SM voted me “Hardest roommate to live with” this semester. I learned these past 8 months that living with me is not easy. I expect a lot out of my roommates. I expect people to be courteous of others and I get frustrated when that doesn’t happen and I yell and complain. I learned, pretty late in summer semester, that it was pointless to get others to try to act like adults. Dishes would pile up. Trash wouldn’t get hauled. And that stupid X-box got played way too long by way too many people. Additionally, I learned that sarcasm isn’t always as openly accepted as it is in my family. I also learned not to let my self get lowered to the level of teasing. I learned that there are some roommates that like to dish it out but can’t take it. I’d like to publicly apologize to JPF and H for all of the trials I’ve put them through by living with them. Evidently, because I’m such a demanding roommate I make a lot of stress for others. SH ended up putting his fist through the wall to prove his point one time about how stressful it is to be my roommate. I feel bad, a little bit about that. (I feel sorrier for his wife, if that’s the way he solves his stress – by hitting things) But this year has been very informative about how rough it is living with me. I have decided to get my own room, and am planning on getting a lock for it. I’m hoping that time in my own room will lower the level of interaction I need to have between me and roommates. I think that will help a lot.

Goals/ Personal insights

I came to realize this year that I’m horrible at setting and achieving goals. My goals for the year were simple:

1. Become Knj’s Friend
2. Read the old testament
3. Exercise and lose weight
4. Become an Oregon Resident
5. Own a trailer again.

Know what – I accomplished none of those. Knj hates me more now than ever. I made it to Exodus before I got distracted. I love chocolate, Sonic and ice cream too much. Umm. I’m almost an Idaho resident (I’m registered to vote here, I’m going to pay my taxes here. I have job here. My truck is registered here, and, lastly, I’m going to need to get a new license and this is where I am now to do it. Now if only I knew something about farming potatoes.) Umm – I owned an axle in Oregon, but I have yet to own a trailer again. Every now and then I wake up with the desire to trade in the truck for a Ford Focus and a Pod trailer. My truck is too valuable to me but I sure do miss driving a car sometimes. It would be great to have all my friends in a car with me. And how cool would it be to have a Pod following it. Or even a teardrop.

This year I found myself being closer to my brother than I think we have been in 20 years. I really truly love my brother and I look forward to seeing him again. His wife and I, who haven’t always gotten along, are getting along great. I volunteered to plow her garden for her this year and her and I spent a lot of fun time together in August when I was in Wisconsin. I truly love my father as well. He still has his way of doing things and I have mine, but I really think we’ve grown a lot over the past 3 years. I am closer now with my family than I think I ever have been. I wish we lived closer to each other. I miss my mom terribly, but with her departure, my family lost its peacemaker and in the past 3 years we have had to find ways to get along with out her peaceful intentions. It has brought my father and I closer and it has moved Brother and I closer. This year has been good for my family. The greatest memories I will have from this year will be going on walks with MM (Sorry I haven’t written in a while), watching Wheelchair basketball go off without a hitch and the week I spent in Wisconsin this past August. (I saw the great lakes for the first time. They were …uh… great!)

This year would also be my year of adventure and cruelty. I purposely chose jobs in Oregon that would inspire me to go back to school: Graveyard laundry at a hotel; gutter installation on multi-story buildings; junk removal. Imagine my surprise when I started working for Evo. I really liked that job. I learned how to work more efficiently. I fell in love with the product. I have some permanent scars from that job. But the flesh is not as problematic when compared to the energy I gained from that company. It was the beginning of a mental recovery. That recovery brought me to Idaho with a zest for fun. I went canoeing for the first time in my life. I went a second time because it was it was so much fun. I started riding my bike more. I went out to the sand dunes (that I previously had sworn I’d never go to.). I started dating again (more on this in a second). I joined up and graduated from CERT. I go sledding now. I started doing woodworking. I started to build things again. I started to go to dances again. Two weeks ago I went to the adaptive skiing event. In two weeks I’m actually going to get in a bi-ski pod and go down a hill. I’m more alive this year than I was in years past. I did as Katie advised and left my apartment more. I started with cruel, hard jobs and ended the year in adventure.

The last topic: Love life/Dating

When knj left last year I was devastated. I had been building up my life around her. I was saving for a ring and a pearl necklace. I was at the top of my life. She was my Princess of quan (to quote from Jerry Maguire). Her leaving and discontinuing our friendship put me in my lowest form. I dropped out of school. I moved to Oregon and I shut down. (“They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.”) Since about May, when the semester began, I started dating again. I was frustrated at first because some people hadn’t grown up quite yet. I ran across several young ladies that thought age had to do something with having a fun time (I can’t date you or hang out with you because you are too old) or they thought that to go on a date you needed more than two people (marriage is not a group activity, why should dating be?) Some hadn’t decided what they wanted out of life and thought dating me would put on too much pressure. But then over time I found a group of girls that enjoyed me dating them and they enjoyed dating me. We went out to dinner, or bowling or to dances or just hung out and played cards. We went to concerts or plays. I dated them individually or in groups of just them and me. (It was a common sight to be at dinner with 3-5 hot girls. AG came up to me one time and told me how much she liked my “No pressure dating style.” I spent so much time pressuring knj into marriage that it ruined our friendship and drove her away. I couldn’t be happy just having her as a girlfriend. I wanted her as my wife and forever. Now days, I don’t pressure anyone when it comes to dating. I don’t see the point. I lost knj that way last time. This is both good and bad for me. It allows me to have a lot of fun and date a lot of people with a carefree attitude. However it rapes me of falling in love again. It makes me affection starved to the point that once I do get affection it freaks me out and I over react. That’s what happened not to long ago. I was at a dance with a young lady when she held my hand. I loved it. It had been so long since I had held a girl’s hand that I got a little too excited and eventually freaked the girl out and I think I scared her. All I wanted to do when I saw her was hold her hand and for her it was not a big deal and not something to be really repeated. Oh well. I’ll give it time.

Dating has grown way different in my life. It used to be I was dating with the purpose. From age 14 to age 26 I have almost always had a girlfriend who I was kissing, holding, massaging, and being near. Now for over 14 months, I haven’t had any of that. My dating now is just to have fun. I’m not sure what I would do if I ever got serious with another girl. Most days I’m still to scared to think about it. No, for now, I’d just rather have fun. Though I do miss kissing.

A final note on knj. I’m going to keep most of the same goals from last year. I’m going to read the old testament from cover to cover. I’m going to lose weight and eat right (right after this chocolate bar). I’m going to become and Idaho resident. I’m going to look into buying a small trailer. And I’m going to try to be knj’s friend again. I don’t deserve to be. I was a jerk to her this year, but I really want to be friends with her. I got rid of all of the clothes that remind me of her. I got rid of the trinkets. I am no longer saving for a ring or necklace in case she was to come running back. I still have several pictures of her on my computer and framed on my desk. However the ones on my computer are in a folder separated away from the pics I look at every day (especially the ones with my niece in them) and the ones that are framed are behind pics of AG & I at the dance and of the handholding girl at the other dance. I still have love for knj. I’m still thankful to her for all the things she taught me and the love she shared with me.

My birthday is one week from today. I’m turning 27. I don’t feel it. I feel younger in so many ways. I was at work this morning (By the way – I wouldn’t buy hamburger at Broulims for a few more days – I’m still trying to learn how to use the grinder) when my supervisor told me he was surprised by my age. He said that I handle my age well.

Any way – the thing I most want for my birthday is 27 minutes with knj, doing anything: IMing, talking, holding each other, crying, whatever (except arguing.) I just wish I could have that. Maybe some day. Maybe this semester I’ll meet the girl that gets me to finally leave knj in the past.

(6 page blog – Jeeze – that was a great year)