Day 43 without seeing a deer (or How I'm spending my lent)

When we first moved into our new place, we were told that deer sometimes come down off the hill and eat the plants on the property. Since then, we have only seen a deer once, way up on the hill. On Sunday we saw a coyote up on the crest of the hill, but it disappeared behind the hill before we could spend a lot of time watching it. More than anything, I wanted to see if it had a deer leg dangling in it's mouth.

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I have time to notice these things since Lent started. For Lent this year, I gave up Facebook Monday through Friday (I need FB on the sabbath to do my calling at church) and Amy and I attempted to give up sugar. Facebook is turning out to be the simpler of the two. Each day I find myself getting more and more stuff done and having less and less drama in my life as I spend less time with Facebook.

For sure, sugar is my hardest challenge. All day Monday my mind flashed back to our honeymoon and the time we were at Guiradelli Square in San Fran. There we had a Vanilla Sunday with chocolate and caramel; warm chocolate and warm caramel. The type that has a base of toppings, the ice cream, and then more topping drizzled on... You get the idea. As Monday passed by, my mind flashed upon that image and my mouth watered. Today as I was leaving work, my mind flashed back to Sunday as a girl sat next to me in Sunday School. She unwrapped three bite size Snickers and then ate them as the class proceeded - savoring every bite. Suddenly today, I too wanted to unwrap a whole bag of Snickers and devour them, bite by bite. To help cure some of these cravings, I've tried to fill my boy with healthy choices: fruits, vegetables, and yogurt. the first two, great choices. I actually read the ingredients on the yogurt container today: 4th one listed is Sugar. Now I have to decide whether or not I'm giving up 95% of sugar for Lent or if I'm giving up yogurt for lent as well.

This year's lent is definitely being a bit more of a change than past years. Good thing I can distract my self by looking for deer on the horizon.  

A photo a day day

Some days I miss doing a daily photo. Today would have been a great day. For almost a year now, my stomach and throat have been having spasms when I eat bread, meats or if I eat rice too fast. I keep forgetting to see a doctor about it. Well today at work, the problem took an unfortunate turn. Evidently my esophagus has a shrinking problem when it comes to certain foods. Today it shrunk around a piece of chicken and blocked the passage. Nothing went down, including my saliva. I kept vomiting my saliva. So I was rushed to the ER. I first got a medicine to relax my esophagus, but that only lessened the problem. Eventually I got to go to surgery. I was sedated and had a camera shoved down my throat and had the piece of food removed. Then I woke up and was told I was on a 72 hour liquid diet.

And of course all I can think about is how cool a photo a day shot this would have made.

I want to fly

In December I saw Avatar and it had a guy who jumps on the back of a bird and flies around. This past weekend, Amy and I saw "How to train your Dragon." During the movie, a boy (with his girlfriend later on) mounts on the shoulders of a dragon. In both instances I watched in envy. I have been able to defy gravity several times. I've stripped down to my underwear and had a TSA agent approve me to board a huge metal tunnel and fly. But that flying isn't the same as the joy I watched those little cartoon faces. As I watched, I felt a need to fly. The closest feeling I can think of is riding roller coasters. But even that is attached to a track. I wonder how it would feel to just fly. I think I would love that feeling.

(Both movies also had a person or two a with a disability. Thanks be to the movie world for realizing that these are real people and can do more than they were previously given credit for.)

Pondering upon girlfriends past

Last Monday, Amy came over to the house to pick up some work related items from Dave. While there she gave me a hug. It wasn't a quick hug but one of those hugs that tells you "I will hug you for as long as you need this hug. I am your friend, I love you and I want you to feel loved and comforted." I did linger in my hug, because on that day, I could have used a hug.

After Amy left, I got to thinking about the qualities of girlfriends past. Five girlfriends come to mind (Disclaimer 1): Amy, Nina, Melinda, B'Shaun and KNJ-P. For various reasons, I miss a piece of each one of these girls.

Amy was always free with her affection. I have met girls that only give affection when they want it, but not Amy. If I wanted a hug or a kiss, she was glad to oblige, with no alternative motive. Additionally she used to hold me. I know it is the strong guy that is supposed to hold the girl as she is comforted through her life, but sometimes I just want to be held. She would curl up with me and wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe. Because of past experiences, I have a real hard time feeling safe, but with her, I was safe.
Anoter great aspect about Amy is her ability to see the world through a much simpler way. She enjoys the simple things in life and doesn't require a lot of complication to be happy or satisfied. Since dating her,I tend to look morefor the positive in people, seek out happy moments and enjoy more of the sun on my face than curse it.

Nina has several redeeming qualities. To start out with, she is super smart. She studies hard and knows her material well. I can ask her a slew of questons and she often knows the answer and is able to teach it to me. Another great quality of Nina is her ability to call me on my crap. I make a lot of excuses for myself and Nina has the ability to call me onmy excuses and get me to admit I'm putting out a line of bull. In other words, she knocks down my pride and humbles me. No matter how smart other people think I am, she is able to point out to me the things I'm really smart about and the things I'm just making up as I go along. Furthermore, she inspires me to go and learn more about the things I know crap about because I hate being called out on it. Lastly, Nina has taught me to love animals more. As I learn to love animals more, especially dogs, I find myself becoming more social. Just last weekend, I went hiking at a place that had maybe 60 dogs scattered through out the park. I got to meet several owners and talk to them about the park, their dogs, and other topics.

Melinda gave me a greater appreciation for the outdoors. While she still can't convince me that camping is "fun," I love going out hiking and seeing new things in nature. When we were dating in Rexburg, we went out almost every night on a walk. I learned the streets of Rexburg well and had some great adventures that I still refer to today. I learned about plants and nature and national parks and all sorts of things. In addition to the walks, Melinda gave me the gift of learning about the world I live in. Both of us actively read the National Geographic magazine and discuss the contents. Though I loved learning before, Melinda really helped me focus my learning. Melinda's enthusiasm for the National Parks System helps fuel my enthusiasm for the Parks system and my desire to wander through it. In addition to nature, Melinda keeps my passions alive in helping people with disabilities. Part of her extra ciricular activities at BYUI is to keep Adaptive Activities alive and well. Just this past weekend Melinda helped host a Goalball event. Melinda is not blind or in a wheelchair, but her continued desire to help those that are and teach those that aren't reminds me of my desire to do the same.

B'Sean has an enthusiasm for life like nothing else. This girl is excited For pretty much anything. She can go up to complete strangers and talk to them like they were in the war together. I'm a bit anti-social, but B'Sean taught me to be a little more open. She helped me figure out that I'm anti-social to groups, but that small groups or one on one is fine for me. She got me to try new things and be willing to leave my comfort zones. B'Sean is always a good ear as well. She (and the three previously mentioned) is more than willing to sit there and listen during those times when I just need someone to hear me.

KNJ-P had the ability to instill self confidence and the ability to do the one thing no one else has been able to do: teach me about me. Sure she was able to do a lot more and taught me to hold myself to a higher standard, but the one thing I always think about when it comes to her was her ability to teach me about meShe had this strange ability to look into me and interpet my actions, my words, and my past in a way that brought sanity to me. I have never felt as safe or as understood by someone as much as she did and then taught me to do. Because of her, I believed I could do so much. I took on a lot of fears head on because she told me I could handle it and then was to help support me when I faltered (it turned out she was often right too. I could handle those fears.). Another great redeeming quality was her loyalty. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I very plainly told KNJ that we should break up. She calmy told me that she loves me and that she will be with me through good and bad. And until it became very clear 18 months later that our relationship had run its course, KNJ stuck to that. She was firecly loyal to me and to our relationship. The last thing I really liked about KNJ was that she was constantly thinking and constantly planning. She probably had ten projects going on in her head at a time. One time I heart attacked her room (took construction paper,cut it up into heart shapes, tossed them around her room and on her bed.). She thought it was cute, said thank you, and I thought that was it. Two months later, she got a friend and not only heart attacked my room but put 15 different oragamy figurines through out my room with little quotes attatched to them. She was planning it the whole time, while also carrying a full load of classes and designing a 20 foot Chineese dragon puppet. Little things like that continued through our relationship as she was constantly thinking about other things to add to our relationship. It was creatively nice.

As I ponder about these past girlfriends, I'm reminded that I trully am blessed. I'm still close friends with four of them. And I have these great gifts that I have been given from dating these wonderful women. I love animals, people, nature and life. I've learned about the world I live in, new activities and about myself. 4.5 (disclaimer #2) of these women tell me that they too were given a lot through our dating and that they were blessed because of the experience and enjoy being near me.

As I look though the girls on Plentyoffish.com (rant #1), I am sadly disapointed because of the standard these previous women have given.

Disclaimer 1: Melinda and B'Shaun have never been an offical "Girlfriend of Sean" but both have been dated more times than some ex-girlfriends I have had.

Disclaimer 2: KNJ-P and I have a civil relationship now. The other four women get along fine with me. KNJ-P has said in the past that dating me was a great experience but she has no desire to be close now. I'm okay with that.

Rant 1: Okay, I realize that, to most people, getting a little buzzed sounds fun, but come on. Seriously is there that few number of people who don't smoke and don't drink alcohol that they just don't show up on online dating sites?

When Social Networking becomes Social Narcissim

On Sunday I made a deal with a friend: We are both giving up Facebook for the week. So, since Sunday I have not seen the familiar blue background and nor have I been reading up and keeping up on the lives of about 300 friends. I have been coming home, checking my e-mail and watching tv or doing homework.


After just three days I find myself struggling. I'm not struggling with not knowing what's going on in other people's lives. I'm not struggling not being able to comment on the mundane in the world. I don't miss clicking the "like" button. However there is one thing I really do miss: Updating others on my status.


I use my status update both as a way to try to be creative and also a way to gather comments from friends - usually in a jealous way. Tuesday it was 70 degrees and so I bought a chocolate shake. As I was sucking it, I was really tempted to log onto Facebook and announce it. Monday night when we were moving the "new" fridge into the house, both Dave and I missed a step. He had the whole fridge fall on his leg, while I only had a corner of it fall on my knee (which still hurts today).

In addition to get sympathy or create jealousy, I use it as a way to create quick creative posts. A few weeks ago, it was "Trap set, cage built, now all I need is a purple person and I'll be able to catch my very own one eyed one horned flying purple people eater." Another week it was "Three steps to becoming a hero: 1. Live in the west. 2. Work in the east. 3. Drive off into the sunset every day. Bonus if you can tilt your hat to all of the women and children." After a week of lacking sleep and early mornings I wrote that I was "still a little punchy and feeling like taking over a small country or an ant hill."

Other days, I use my status as a way to make declarative statements. "Sean knows it is going to be a good day when it starts with Oingo Boingo." "Sean feels happy and safe here [in Vallejo]. "The radio Gods have been nice to Sean giving him Queen three times this week."

However, all of these status updates are just the beginning. What I really miss is the response. There is something cool about logging into Facebook and seeing that 4 people liked your status and 3-4 people commented on your status. It helps reinforce a personal feeling that at times - I'm awesome. No where else in life do you get that (I used to get a lot of that with the Photo A Day blog, but that died off over time which helped lead to my boredom with that project). No where else does it happen regularily that you type something that is less than 200 characters or you publish a picture or you post a link - that people decide they like it and think is cool. And that is sadly what I have been missing most this week. I got a little bit of praise this week (My friend Jill keeps telling me what a hard worker I am because of the amount of work I do at home after I get home from work) - but one voice isn't enough. Social Networking has turned me into a social narcisist and a whore for praise.

Service is rarely fit to your schedule

It's 12:01 in the morning and I am no where near the bed that was beckoning me just 60 minutes prior. I am instead sitting in an ER waiting room, laptop open and fingers typing. Service never seems to come calling at 10 in the morning after a good night's rest.

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On Sunday, during a testimony meeting, a friend got up and talked about learning to let himself go. He talked about the importance of that scripture "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for My Sake shall find it." and the other "When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God." My friend was talking about giving service to me.

I live at a house that was a foreclosure and bought as an investment. The owner of the house then got transferred out to Indiana. In able to keep renters in the house, the owner is charging a very low rate, but with that low rate comes the responsibility of taking care of the house. A shed in the back yard had started to lean and was in danger of taking out the back fence if the shed leaned any more. So I sent out a desperate plea for help with the shed on Facebook. There were many conflicts for the time I chose. One big conflict for my friend was a desire to see a girl he is courting. He had commitments in the afternoon that he couldn't get out of so it was a very simple choice of seeing her or helping tearing down the shed. He read that scripture earlier in the week and felt impressed to come to my place.

My friend testified on Sunday about the joy and peace that entered him as he worked on the shed. Some things that had been frustrating him disappeared as the shed took on his anxious energy. His mind cleared as he focused on the shed and its ultimate demise.

As he left he was invigorated and felt energized. He was better at ease and was asking if there was more work to be done. His afternoon went well and he even got to see that cute girl.

The core of his testimony was how he went to provide service for me and yet when he left - he felt the service had been done to him. For the most part - I think that is how service works. I've never walked away from a service activity that I said to myself "Gosh that was a waste."

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In a few minutes I will post this and start reading a new book I got in the mail today. Just in the nick of time, a book a friend recommended arrived today in the mail. A service by a friend to keep me entertained while I provide service to a friend. What a nice circle.

making it through the storm

As I sat in my office the last 2 hours of the day, it was unavoidable to hear the wind picking up the pace outside. Each time the automatic door opened bigger and bigger gusts of wind were able to force there way into the building. Whether it was predicted or not, we had a cold front and a rain storm on its way.

At 3:30 I adventured out to my truck and saw on my western horizon a dark line forming in the sky. There were no individual clouds, only a thick grey cloud. I drove west, heading right for it.

As I got closer to the dark horizon, I noticed to my right the Delta already engulfed in the suffocating clouds. Around me the wind increased and knocked my light truck bed around like I was a pinata at an Oakland Athletics' batting practice. Shortly before the hill that arose in front of me, the sky began to open up, first my spitting on my windshield, but eventually it came down in sheets and decreased the visibility of the other motorists in front of me. By the time I reached the crest of the hill, little white beads started to pepper the hood of my truck. Hail is not common in California, but this little storm didn't let that deter it. My truck's hood turned from bright red to speckled white.

I pressed on.

By the time I reached the bridge, I was on the other side. The only visibility problem I faced now was the bright sun cascading down from the baby blue sky. The wet pavement reflected the shine up, filled the truck cab with warmth and a little bit of glare. As I looked back over the darkened Delta, I thought of the near ending of the Truman Show. Truman, in the midst of his own storm, shouts up at the sky and screams "Is that the best you can do?" I too felt that way as a smile settled on my face and I thought about the other storms in my life. They might seem dark and able to toss me around. But waiting on just the other side is sunshine and an attitude of "Is that the best you can do? Because that trial - that storm - wasn't nearly enough to knock me off course.

Being an Eagle Scout

On Sunday night I returned to my homeland to watch a young man I have known for the last 14 years accomplish something not a lot of men are able to do. My friend got his Eagle Scout. He and I share something in common - we both made it to the ripe old age of 16, got a vehicle, met girls and sort of forgot about going to Eagle. Both of us, as time drew closer to age 18, felt impressed to revisit the goal and to achieve it. (My friend finished his 3 weeks prior to his 18th birthday. I finished mine 3 HOURS prior to my 18th Birthday.)

Since being awarded my Eagle, I have only seen it used once in my life directly - and that was for a job interview at a grocery store in Idaho (Literally three questions in the Interview: Are you really an Eagle Scout? Can you start at 6 AM? When can you start?). For the most part, I have worked for women owned or women ran companies. On more than one occasion I have had to explain what an Eagle Scout Rank is and what it took to obtain it. Often people don't care.

So it might seem, at times that what I did, 14 years ago, was a waste. It was something that has little meaning if those who you show it to have no understanding what it is. (almost like when one of my roommates shows me how he beat this certain hard level at his video game. I don't play video games so the concept is lost on me).

It would seem like it was a waste - that is until you start listening to the Scout Oath and Scout Law and think about what Boy Scouts gave me. One of the comments several current and past employers have said is that I tend to over think the job. I tend to look at different potential problems from all angles and so when a problem occurs, I usually have a solution for it. Sometimes I have more than one. I think comes from many trips with young men who don't plan ahead. As much as I hate camping - I think camping is vital to learning how to function in the world. No where else can you really learn to plan ahead. If you go camping and there is a chance of rain and you don't bring your rain jacket - you learn rather quickly that you just can't run inside and get it. If you are out hiking and someone trips and gets bruised up - you figure out that the only bandages you have are the ones with you and that you can't call 911 to rescue you or look up on google how to survive.
I look at the fact that at work I am often given assignments and I complete them quickly and efficiently. One way I was taught this as a boy was by having merit badge requirements. Merit badges teach a skill and have requirements for practicing and reviewing that skill. A boy must present a goal, go do the goal and return and report to their merit badge counselor. This is much like getting an assignment at work, figuring out how you are going to do it, doing it, and then returning to your boss.
In each troop and patrol, a boy is given a job or an assignment. This chore or assignment is usually something that is beneficial to everyone in the group. (like who is bringing treats each week) By having a little assignment and completing it, a boy learns to be responsible and to be accountable for their actions. One thing that people often say is that they can count on me. If I say I'm going to do something - I do it. By being a boy scout - the boy learns to accept assignments and fulfill them. As he fulfills assignments, people begin to rely on him and trust him.

So in summary - I don't know if the actual award has done me any good, but the way I was shaped and molded as I reached toward that rank has greatly benefited me in life as I think it does every boy that succeeds at scouting.

When you think in pictures - some images never leave you

Tonight in class my professor mentioned he felt there might be a disturbance in the force. He felt that way on Tuesday but tonight he really noticed that I was down. He is right. This week has been rough.

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On Monday night I was having a conversation with a friend about being a worthy priesthood holder and how me not being one was a unattractive quality of me. Her comments triggered my mind to remember why I am I am an unworthy priesthood holder.

My mind almost always goes to a day in August, during my 13th year. I woke in the morning to find my mother on the floor in the kitchen, a pool of blood soaking into her clothes and mixing with a scattering of vomit. Because I have and always will be a photographer, my mind has in it an abundant still shots from that morning. During weeks like this, my mind puts those slides into a Kodak Carousel and the images get projected before my eyes. I see each aspect of the scene like it was happening before me. My mind spares no detail.
Later that day I would read a letter that was written just for me, a letter that proclaimed love and released me from blame. I still remember parts of that letter and parts of the other two that I would read in the next six years of my life. Even later that day, a man would come to our house with a sheriff and inform us that it was no longer our house. A few weeks later my family would move to a new house - the house I would live in until I moved to Idaho - and life would never be the same again.
However, the letter, the man and the new home have little bearing on my life on weeks like this. When I am reminded of my lack of worthy priesthood power, I am reminded of that warm August morning and the blood and the vomit and my mother lying on the kitchen floor, wrists with fresh wounds that would forever be a scar and a constant reminder of that day.

I have found very few ways to escape those images. They follow me in my sleep, the quiet moments of my day and in drive time when the background noise of the radio becomes a low hum. Even as I type this, I break for a moment, close my eyes and there in my mind are contrasting colors of deep dark red blood clashing on the white floor and mixing with the half digested Tylenol tablets. My mind is always open and willing to flip on the projector one more time for a private screening.

My only escape for several years has been an activity that uses endorphins to dim the light on the projector. This activity is considered a sin in the Mormon church and therefore is the reason I am an unworthy priesthood holder. I have tried life without it, only to find myself seeking out more self destructive activities with more lasting results. Without this activity, I slip into a state of undenialble depression. One friend once told me I was too smart for suicide, but on the months where I try hard to not do this unpriesthood like activity, my mind reaches for solutions like that (though not nearly as drastic) to ease the pain and reduce the constant replay of the slide show.

My constant companion is a day in August nearly two decades ago. When dear friends point out that my unworthy state is unattractive, I am reminded in greater detail of that day and am reminded that that one unattractive quality is more attractive than the alternative of brightly beaming the images of my childhood and a day in august when I was 13. I would rather be happy and slightly unworthy than in a constant state of detailed instant replay. At least as an unattractive priesthood holder, most people don't see sorrow in my face and sense a disturbance in my force.

Quick write for a friend

Today I got a text from a friend asking me to do a small favor. She wants me to write a paragraph on anythng I want, but to write it twice - once on lined paper and once on unlined paper. The following was the first paragraph that popped into my head. I thought I'd share.

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One other unique feature of the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater is its ability to see into the inner layers of people and search out their purpleness. Most purple people have evolved to the point where they blendin with most other people, and therefore only have purple on the inside. Much like a hawk scouring for prey from above, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater hovers in the sky scanning people down below. "Their eye has a special filter on it that makes the Purple People glow purple, eventhough to us humans we don't see the glow." says Dr. Melinda Tennessee, who has been studying the rare species for some time. "Once they see a glowing purple person, they will often stalk it from the air until the purple person is alone." Continues Dr. Tennessee. According to Tennessee, the one eyed one horn flying purple people eater then swoops down and eats the purple person. If it wasn't for the specialized eye, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater would not be able to eat as easily as it does.

"Sean Read, Sean Do" or "Can I lent you some Coke?"

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. It is the starting day for Lent. Now, I'm not Catholic, but I like the idea of giving up something for 40 days as a sacrafice for your God and for yourself. Especially if that something is bad for you - like Coke. I LOVE Coke. I love the taste. I love the texture. I love the feel of the carbonation and caffine surging through my body. But as a person with a hiatel hernia and as a person with a rather large belly, Coke isn't all that rewarding for the body in the long run.

So as Cindy gives up Sugar (an impossible task for me) for her Lent offering, I am going to give up Soda - all of it. I do have one exception, though. If we have a natural disaster (hurricane, tornado, earthquake, blizzard, typhoon, tsunamia, flood, Republican control of the Senate, etc.), then I'm dipping into my food storage which has in it - Coke Classic.

the trouble with eating a meatball sandwich

I had a gift certificate to Lumpy's that I was saving for today. Today's special is the Meatball Sandwich. This sandwich is tied for first as my favorite thing to get at Lumpy's (it's tied with the Meatloaf) (Second would be the Garlic Caesar Salad Sandwich, third the Bacon Cheeseburger Sandwich with fourth rounded out by Lumpy Stub). The Meatball Sandwich has a foundation on of a hogie roll, with two, three or four meatballs thrown on followed by a healthy helping of spaghetti noodles that are covered in sauce and smothered in cheese. When it arrives I am always in a quandary of how to proceed to maximize the parts of the meal. Before I get to the heart of this post, let me start out by saying that I eat meals in departmentalized way. For instance, if I'm at McDonald's, I eat my sandwich first then my fries. At Olive Garden, I eat my salad and soup then my main course - I do not keep the salad or soup on the table because I'm done with it. After the main course I eat my bread sticks and use them to clean the plate.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Let me further explain that for the most part, Lumpy's allows me to do exactly this. When I get the meatloaf, with each slice of my fork or knife, I can take in the bread, meat and gravy. Then I can go after the mash potatoes. With the Bacon Cheeseburger, I can take in a mouthful and chomp and chew from every member of the sandwich at one time.

However, the meatball sandwich presents a problem. With one slice of the knife or one mouth full of the sandwich - you could be not getting all of that the sandwich has to offer. The meatball ratio compared to the rest of the sandwich is drastically different. You can go several bites without getting any morsel of meatball. It's almost like you are eating two different sandwiches. One is a spaghetti sandwich and one is a meatball spaghetti sandwich. Two sandwiches at once is not very compartmentalized.

I have been searching my brain for solutions. I can only come up with three:
1. smash the meatballs up into little pieces and scatter them around the plate hoping to cover the whole sandwich.
2. pull the meatballs out and have them after the rest of the sandwich - sort of like a dessert of rolled beef.
3. Stop ordering the meatball sandwich.

Do you have any additional insights?

waiting

i sing the songs of my heart
as i think of yours

i look forward to having yours
encased in your little body
nestled in my arms

i think often of your smiling eyes
as they would glimmer up at mine
so please come quickly
that mine might glimmer back at you,
smiling and looking so precious below me.

PSA Driving fast

On Monday I was on 780 heading East. Suddenly a car got on the freeway, cut over to my lane and flicked his lights at me. There was a car directly next to me. I sped up. The person next to me sped up. I slowed down (to get behind the guy next to me). The guy behind me turned on his high beams and left them on for the next two miles. His high beams encompassed all mirrors I had. I could not look into my two side mirrors, my two blind spot mirrors nor my rear view mirror without seeing his high beams. At that point I knew not where the car on the side of me was. Was it next to me or far behind me? I just didn't know. So I didn't know if I needed to go faster or slow down to get out of the lane I was in. Eventually it became clear that the car next to me had reduced its speed. The guy behind me turned off his high beams, got over and passed me. As he passed me, he rolled down his window and shoved his middle finger out at me. Then he promptly got off three miles after he had gotten on.

For this Public Service Announcement - I would like to help out this guy and future drivers. If you need to go three miles in a hurry on highway 780 might I suggest the following:

1. Leave Earlier
2. Grow wings and fly there
3. Buy a Helicopter
4. Rent a Dragon
5. Or you could just be patient

One thing I'd like to suggest you don't do is blind the person in front of you. This will only make you be late to whatever activity you were running late for.

Dealing with Character

In the recent weeks, Amy and I have been discussing character. She is a novelist and I am a short story writer. I don't get attached to my characters enough to deal much with their current character much less the character they might get in the future (i.e. Character Development).

This gap between us has left us to discuss characters as we see or interpret them.

For example, we saw a boat while we were in Crescent City. It was way out at sea and it was traveling North, toward Canada. As we discussed the ship, I decided that it was a drug running boat that transported cargo size shipments of Mexican marijuana to Canada. Aboard the Boat was Jack, a Canadian by birth, who found drug running to be a way to make good money for his mother who was suffering from various disabilities. Not only that but the money allowed him to use his boating skills to provide a natural substance opposed to being a whaler - a job that goes against his moral code because of the innocent slaughter of mating whales. However, on this particular trip, Jack was overly concerned about his chosen business. Jack's brother, Thomas, had recently died at the old ancient age of 16 - to a drug over dose. Jack was concerned about if he was doing the right thing....And that is as far as I have gotten. Amy and I occassionaly talk about Jack - but for the most part he is just on the boat because I don't know how to move his character along.

The same goes for another Jack. (Can you tell I like the name) I wrote about Jack the anti-hero a few months ago. Since then I have struggled to find ways to develop his character. I have more adventures in my head (Jack buys a rope to hang himself and instead lassoses a bank robber), but I am struggling to develop his character - why he is depressed? What will bring him out of his depression or dive him deeper? Why does he have such luck in not succeeding at such a simple task of ending his life? I don't know - mainly because I can't find it inmyself to develop Jack beyond that point.

Another Character I struggle with is the Amazing Drooling Boy. This is a name I have for one of my clients who constantly drools. On everything. I keep thinking I should develop an alter ego super hero for him but the more and more I try the more and more I'm stuck. So instead all I see is in my head - the amazing drooling boy.

Does anyone have any suggestions for developing characters?

2009 Year in Review

This year has been a rather nice year. Despite the bad economy and some serious world events - life for me wasn't all that bad. As I have done in previous years (2007 top ten and Resolutions), at this time I will take a look back and see about the top ten items of the year.

Amy. I really love this girl. She makes life for me rather simple and easy going. She doesn't care that I'm a photo guy. She doesn't mind it when I get too over whelmed with big families or big gatherings and is okay with us just going for a drive. It amazes me that I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We can spend hours talking, cuddling, giggling and teaching each other. It is so very refreshing and has been a great three months. I look forward to many more.

Vacationing. I mentioned to Amy I wish I'd vacation more and then it dawned on me what this year has entailed - a trip to Oregon, a trip to Utah that included a trip to Idaho and Nevada, a trip to Crescent City, a trip to Wisconsin. In addition to that I've had several day trips with my Dad to SF, Travis Air Force Museum, and going hiking. I have taken day trips to the city and to the beaches. I've enjoyed various hiking trails with friends and family this year. This year has been full of adventures, new discoveries and vacations both of the physical kind and just a day filled with mental health and happiness.

Biking/BORP Revolution. In August I was approached by a friend. "Last year you sponsored us as we rode in the fundraiser. How about this year you ride and raise funds for our team?" So I did. I raised $535 for BORP and I rode my bike on the day of the event. In addtion to helping BORP, an organization that creates recreational and competative sports activities for people with disabilities, this event also helped me. I started riding my bike, some times 3 times a week and for 30 miles a week. After each ride I felt more awake and more alive. I lost 20 pounds and started seeing my pants fit differently. My eating habits improved. All in all, I will end 2009 healthier because of the ride I participated in to help others. It was a really great experience.

Moving. Because the top ten is not nessesarily the top ten good or the top ten bad, you get kind of a mixed bag including this negative one. I hate moving. For the three years I lived in Rexburg I had the same address. I would occassionally switch rooms, but I never left that apartment. Since graduating from college I've moved like 10 times. Each time it gets a little more annoying and I am reminded that I just own too much stuff. This year has been filled with various moves and I look forward to the time where I move no more. Or grad school where I'll move less.

Lumpy's. Do you remember watching Cheers? When ever Gearge Wendt walked in the whole bar would cheer "Norm!" Lumpy's this year became my Cheers. Everyone is happy to see me. They care about my opinion on food and Antioch. One time I could only afford a bacon burger but a waitress (Geana) wanted me to try the special. She pooled money with others to cover the cost, because, as she put it, I'm not just a random customer. After 2008, where I struggled to fit in, I liked going somewhere where I felt like I was liked.

Negativity. This year had its large share of negativity. I had friends that chose to dwell on the negative. The pundits chose to dwell on the bad economy and all that is going wrong in the world. One friend actually sought out things that she felt were negatively written about this person - only to find out the negative comments had nothing to do with this person. It was sad to watch this person fight to confirm that she was the victim of these negative comments - instead of being happy these comments weren't directed at her. It reminded of me in the past. I used to play a game with friends - who had the more F'ed up life. I always thought I was the winner, yet really the winner of most F'ed up life is really the loser. In 2009 I tried to steer away from people consumed by negativity. I steered away from friends who focused on their failings, their destructive family history, their need to get into pissing matches, nd any other friends beset by a need to be negative. I'm not saying I'm all good or that I'm putting on my blinders when the negative happens, but this year I really saw the difference when I didn't dwell on the negative.

Dogs. Through the course of this year I have found that I am a dog person. I once feared those 4 legged friends but now - I'm in love with them.

Job. I really like my job. I like going to work every day and generally enjoy working with my clients and co-workers. Several months ago I had a poll about what future career people feel I should go into. Rehabilitation Counseling or Occupational Therapist or Social Work. No one voted for Social work and the other two were in a dead tie at the end of the polling period. The more and more I consider it, the more and more my heart leans to Occupational Therapy, despit the additional 18 months of pre reqs I would need to take to get to the point of even qualifying for Grad school. Working with my clients, though, really solidifies my desire to continue in this field.

Photography. This year I continued with Photo a Day. Additionally, I spent the last 4 months of the year learning the art of film photography. After spending this past weekend with a boy who wants nothing more than to spend his whole life playing video games, I am so grateful for the gift of photography that i have been granted. It keeps me active. I'm more observant to my surroundings (because you never known where the next great shot will be). Additionally, I'm able to produce something that other can enjoy. If I killed 3000 zombies in one 5 hour period of time, I'm not sure how that can be enjoyed by others. But with photography I am able to have a digital journal for my kids, a bunch of great photographs that capture a moment in time, and, lastly, the ability to share with others places they may never go to. Photography has been a blessing this year and one I look forward to in years to come.

Resolutions:

I think this is a great place to also write down my resolutions for the coming year. I resolve to continue to eat healthier, exercise more, and spend less time with my computer. Additionally, this year I resolve to going camping* at least once, pay off my credit card, and continue doing well in school.

*I do consider using one of these as camping

I'm not the only one

Last year about this time I wrote that Santa was bad for children. His growing obesity was a cause for concern and that it sat a bad example for our youth. Evidently, I'm not the only one that feels that way. Recently a Australian scientist wrote a satirical piece about Santa's bad image. However, this scientist was much better at writing his piece and therefore has gotten a lot of press. I find two things rather interesting about this. 1. He thought up some things that I didn't. I really like some of his add ins (such as drunk driving Santa). 2. I like how the media has latched on to this and some are questioning our use of Santa as a "hero" to our children.

Recently Target has been running a series of commercials that deal with Santa. My favorite has got to be this one that bad mouths Santa's Elves.

It's no secret that I'm anti Santa (It is so hard gaining the trust of children that it bothers me that I have to lie to children daily this time of the year. I'd rather be honest with kids than lie to them over trivial things like Santa). It is nice to have company who are now getting their digs in on santa as well.

Failing all of the people some of the times

In May of 2008, John and I were sitting around our apartment talking about another friend Robin. We hadn't seen robin for a rather long time and thought it would be nice to have dinner with her. So John, Robin, Jeremy (Robin's son) and I found a night when we were all available and met in Concord at an Italian resteraunt John and I both love. Things went well so we made a plan to do it again in June. This time we met at a pace called the Front Room. Things once again went well. In July we met as a group for the last time. Jeremy was moving out of state and John and I had a strained relationship after we were evicted from our apartment. In August Robin and I met for dinner. This time she brought two other friends: Amy and Shell. As the months progressed and word of our "dinner group" got out, various people rotated into the group.

Our dinner group now has a standard eight with four more that show up as time permits. In the group is friends and friends of friends. From the dinner group at least two relationships have started and one relationship was started but couldn't get off the ground.

Now the Dinner group is progressing toward the 19th month mark and it seems to have become filled with drama. There are bad feelings that are interchanged between group members. There are people in the group that RSVP and then bail at the last moment. There are members of the group that never come but get offended if they aren't invited.

I feel the group has gotten too big and that limits my ability to have close relationships with all people in the group - and to remedy that I have tried meeting with individuals. However if I meet with person A and person B finds out they are sometimes hurt that they weren't invited. If I set up to do something with person C and have to cancel, they tell me it is because I spend all my time with person A and they are getting shafted on their Sean time.

Beyond eating together, the group has also morphed into an activities group. Once again, if I want to go on an activity with Person A, Person D gets offended they weren't invited. If Person D organizes an event I'm just not that interested in and so therefore decline - Person D gets offended that I'm not going and not supporting her activity. (even though she supports mine - like it is some sort of contest that we are keeping score at)
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This month was particularily rough. I planned an Activity on the 11th. One person was offended that she wasn't invited. One person RSVP'd and didn't show up. One person was mad at me because I had done something to tick her off.

On Saturday, I was having a special day with Person A. We decided to invite two other people to spend time with us to go see a movie. That person then invited one other person. We built our movie time schedule around that 5th person. They RSVP and then bailed 30 minutes before the movie started.

After the movie on Saturday, I checked my e-mail to see if any one had solidified plans for Sunday. No one had. So I made plans for a dinner of 6 people. I was BBQing and I was buying the meat. I purposely only invited 6 people. Other members of the big group got invited by those I had invited. I wasn't sure we would have enough meat and it being the sabbath I didn't want to promote making a purchase (we did anyway). But instead of seeing it from that perspective - the people who invited others accused me of shunning the others in the group. I tried to protest this idea but I was out ruled. The person that I didn't invite that others invited - came, made a big deal out of what there was to do and how she had to wash dishes to help, and then left without eating anything after we had gone out and bought extra meat for her.

On alternating Mondays for the last 8 weeks, I have had some one on one time with Person Z. We get together, eat cookies, and watch TV - all the while complaining about school. I had to cancel for tonight because I'm running out of clean clothes and because I'm packing to move on the 31st. However, Person Z automatically blamed the time I spent with Person A over the weekend as the reason I had to cancel with Person Z. In fact she said that friends in relationships always become unreliable.
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This being a rant I guess I should rant and not just state facts in evidence. I'm annoyed at my group of friends. I'm tired of planning events and being bailed on or yelled at about not inviting certain people. I'm tired of people hi-jacking events and adding others who I didn't invite because i was trying to keep the group small. I'm tired of all of the drama that comes with trying to organize events. I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

and now I'm done ranting. Have a great rest of the day.

from smaller eyes

mamma is gettin bigger and i'm scared.

at first i thought she swallowed a basketball but now i'm sure it was more. she has been so hungary lately that she eats everything and gets bigger and bigger. i'm scared.

mamma and daddy took away my bed last week and moved it into the room they just painted PINK! i was mad until that night when i saw in my room a big boy's bed where my old bed had been.

i thought maybe once my old bed was eaten mamma wouldn't be so hugary but she keeps getting bigger.

despite the smiles on their faces, i don't think mamma and daddy are tellin the truth. daddy says not to worry - mammas not going to eat me. but she keeps gettin bigger what will be left to eat but me. then mamma tells me that soon their will be a new child in the house. i guess that means after she eats me they will get nother child to fatten up for her belly to eat.

everytime we go to the park people ask her if she has names picked out and they point to her belly. mamma's going to name it Krista, Amy or Melinda after she eats me. i am scared to get a girl's name after i'm eaten. i like being kyle.

so i'm scared. mammas gettin bigger and i'm scared i'm next to eat.

Possible Date Activities

Now that I am dating steady with Amy, people randomly come up to me and offer date ideas. I'm starting to forget them so I thought I would just keep a running list on my blog. If you have suggestions for dates that are either inexpensive or unique to the San Fransico Bay Area Experience, please feel free to add them.

Sandhil Crane Wetland Tour
Rainforest Cafe
Monarch gathering
Marine Mammal Center
Walking on that path Matt told us about in Napa
Robert Luis Stevenson Museum
Tour the Caldacott Tunnel
Hiking or biking the Golden Gate
Hiking Muir Woods to Stinson Beach (put a car at either end)
Hiking the back of Mt. Diablo from Clayton to see the waterfalls
Hiking Little Yosemite to see the waterfalls.
California Academy of Science.
Golden Gate Park.
SFMOMA.
Asian Art Museum.
Santa Rosa Safari.