Being an Eagle Scout

On Sunday night I returned to my homeland to watch a young man I have known for the last 14 years accomplish something not a lot of men are able to do. My friend got his Eagle Scout. He and I share something in common - we both made it to the ripe old age of 16, got a vehicle, met girls and sort of forgot about going to Eagle. Both of us, as time drew closer to age 18, felt impressed to revisit the goal and to achieve it. (My friend finished his 3 weeks prior to his 18th birthday. I finished mine 3 HOURS prior to my 18th Birthday.)

Since being awarded my Eagle, I have only seen it used once in my life directly - and that was for a job interview at a grocery store in Idaho (Literally three questions in the Interview: Are you really an Eagle Scout? Can you start at 6 AM? When can you start?). For the most part, I have worked for women owned or women ran companies. On more than one occasion I have had to explain what an Eagle Scout Rank is and what it took to obtain it. Often people don't care.

So it might seem, at times that what I did, 14 years ago, was a waste. It was something that has little meaning if those who you show it to have no understanding what it is. (almost like when one of my roommates shows me how he beat this certain hard level at his video game. I don't play video games so the concept is lost on me).

It would seem like it was a waste - that is until you start listening to the Scout Oath and Scout Law and think about what Boy Scouts gave me. One of the comments several current and past employers have said is that I tend to over think the job. I tend to look at different potential problems from all angles and so when a problem occurs, I usually have a solution for it. Sometimes I have more than one. I think comes from many trips with young men who don't plan ahead. As much as I hate camping - I think camping is vital to learning how to function in the world. No where else can you really learn to plan ahead. If you go camping and there is a chance of rain and you don't bring your rain jacket - you learn rather quickly that you just can't run inside and get it. If you are out hiking and someone trips and gets bruised up - you figure out that the only bandages you have are the ones with you and that you can't call 911 to rescue you or look up on google how to survive.
I look at the fact that at work I am often given assignments and I complete them quickly and efficiently. One way I was taught this as a boy was by having merit badge requirements. Merit badges teach a skill and have requirements for practicing and reviewing that skill. A boy must present a goal, go do the goal and return and report to their merit badge counselor. This is much like getting an assignment at work, figuring out how you are going to do it, doing it, and then returning to your boss.
In each troop and patrol, a boy is given a job or an assignment. This chore or assignment is usually something that is beneficial to everyone in the group. (like who is bringing treats each week) By having a little assignment and completing it, a boy learns to be responsible and to be accountable for their actions. One thing that people often say is that they can count on me. If I say I'm going to do something - I do it. By being a boy scout - the boy learns to accept assignments and fulfill them. As he fulfills assignments, people begin to rely on him and trust him.

So in summary - I don't know if the actual award has done me any good, but the way I was shaped and molded as I reached toward that rank has greatly benefited me in life as I think it does every boy that succeeds at scouting.

When you think in pictures - some images never leave you

Tonight in class my professor mentioned he felt there might be a disturbance in the force. He felt that way on Tuesday but tonight he really noticed that I was down. He is right. This week has been rough.

--
On Monday night I was having a conversation with a friend about being a worthy priesthood holder and how me not being one was a unattractive quality of me. Her comments triggered my mind to remember why I am I am an unworthy priesthood holder.

My mind almost always goes to a day in August, during my 13th year. I woke in the morning to find my mother on the floor in the kitchen, a pool of blood soaking into her clothes and mixing with a scattering of vomit. Because I have and always will be a photographer, my mind has in it an abundant still shots from that morning. During weeks like this, my mind puts those slides into a Kodak Carousel and the images get projected before my eyes. I see each aspect of the scene like it was happening before me. My mind spares no detail.
Later that day I would read a letter that was written just for me, a letter that proclaimed love and released me from blame. I still remember parts of that letter and parts of the other two that I would read in the next six years of my life. Even later that day, a man would come to our house with a sheriff and inform us that it was no longer our house. A few weeks later my family would move to a new house - the house I would live in until I moved to Idaho - and life would never be the same again.
However, the letter, the man and the new home have little bearing on my life on weeks like this. When I am reminded of my lack of worthy priesthood power, I am reminded of that warm August morning and the blood and the vomit and my mother lying on the kitchen floor, wrists with fresh wounds that would forever be a scar and a constant reminder of that day.

I have found very few ways to escape those images. They follow me in my sleep, the quiet moments of my day and in drive time when the background noise of the radio becomes a low hum. Even as I type this, I break for a moment, close my eyes and there in my mind are contrasting colors of deep dark red blood clashing on the white floor and mixing with the half digested Tylenol tablets. My mind is always open and willing to flip on the projector one more time for a private screening.

My only escape for several years has been an activity that uses endorphins to dim the light on the projector. This activity is considered a sin in the Mormon church and therefore is the reason I am an unworthy priesthood holder. I have tried life without it, only to find myself seeking out more self destructive activities with more lasting results. Without this activity, I slip into a state of undenialble depression. One friend once told me I was too smart for suicide, but on the months where I try hard to not do this unpriesthood like activity, my mind reaches for solutions like that (though not nearly as drastic) to ease the pain and reduce the constant replay of the slide show.

My constant companion is a day in August nearly two decades ago. When dear friends point out that my unworthy state is unattractive, I am reminded in greater detail of that day and am reminded that that one unattractive quality is more attractive than the alternative of brightly beaming the images of my childhood and a day in august when I was 13. I would rather be happy and slightly unworthy than in a constant state of detailed instant replay. At least as an unattractive priesthood holder, most people don't see sorrow in my face and sense a disturbance in my force.

Quick write for a friend

Today I got a text from a friend asking me to do a small favor. She wants me to write a paragraph on anythng I want, but to write it twice - once on lined paper and once on unlined paper. The following was the first paragraph that popped into my head. I thought I'd share.

--
One other unique feature of the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater is its ability to see into the inner layers of people and search out their purpleness. Most purple people have evolved to the point where they blendin with most other people, and therefore only have purple on the inside. Much like a hawk scouring for prey from above, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater hovers in the sky scanning people down below. "Their eye has a special filter on it that makes the Purple People glow purple, eventhough to us humans we don't see the glow." says Dr. Melinda Tennessee, who has been studying the rare species for some time. "Once they see a glowing purple person, they will often stalk it from the air until the purple person is alone." Continues Dr. Tennessee. According to Tennessee, the one eyed one horn flying purple people eater then swoops down and eats the purple person. If it wasn't for the specialized eye, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater would not be able to eat as easily as it does.

"Sean Read, Sean Do" or "Can I lent you some Coke?"

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. It is the starting day for Lent. Now, I'm not Catholic, but I like the idea of giving up something for 40 days as a sacrafice for your God and for yourself. Especially if that something is bad for you - like Coke. I LOVE Coke. I love the taste. I love the texture. I love the feel of the carbonation and caffine surging through my body. But as a person with a hiatel hernia and as a person with a rather large belly, Coke isn't all that rewarding for the body in the long run.

So as Cindy gives up Sugar (an impossible task for me) for her Lent offering, I am going to give up Soda - all of it. I do have one exception, though. If we have a natural disaster (hurricane, tornado, earthquake, blizzard, typhoon, tsunamia, flood, Republican control of the Senate, etc.), then I'm dipping into my food storage which has in it - Coke Classic.

the trouble with eating a meatball sandwich

I had a gift certificate to Lumpy's that I was saving for today. Today's special is the Meatball Sandwich. This sandwich is tied for first as my favorite thing to get at Lumpy's (it's tied with the Meatloaf) (Second would be the Garlic Caesar Salad Sandwich, third the Bacon Cheeseburger Sandwich with fourth rounded out by Lumpy Stub). The Meatball Sandwich has a foundation on of a hogie roll, with two, three or four meatballs thrown on followed by a healthy helping of spaghetti noodles that are covered in sauce and smothered in cheese. When it arrives I am always in a quandary of how to proceed to maximize the parts of the meal. Before I get to the heart of this post, let me start out by saying that I eat meals in departmentalized way. For instance, if I'm at McDonald's, I eat my sandwich first then my fries. At Olive Garden, I eat my salad and soup then my main course - I do not keep the salad or soup on the table because I'm done with it. After the main course I eat my bread sticks and use them to clean the plate.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Let me further explain that for the most part, Lumpy's allows me to do exactly this. When I get the meatloaf, with each slice of my fork or knife, I can take in the bread, meat and gravy. Then I can go after the mash potatoes. With the Bacon Cheeseburger, I can take in a mouthful and chomp and chew from every member of the sandwich at one time.

However, the meatball sandwich presents a problem. With one slice of the knife or one mouth full of the sandwich - you could be not getting all of that the sandwich has to offer. The meatball ratio compared to the rest of the sandwich is drastically different. You can go several bites without getting any morsel of meatball. It's almost like you are eating two different sandwiches. One is a spaghetti sandwich and one is a meatball spaghetti sandwich. Two sandwiches at once is not very compartmentalized.

I have been searching my brain for solutions. I can only come up with three:
1. smash the meatballs up into little pieces and scatter them around the plate hoping to cover the whole sandwich.
2. pull the meatballs out and have them after the rest of the sandwich - sort of like a dessert of rolled beef.
3. Stop ordering the meatball sandwich.

Do you have any additional insights?

waiting

i sing the songs of my heart
as i think of yours

i look forward to having yours
encased in your little body
nestled in my arms

i think often of your smiling eyes
as they would glimmer up at mine
so please come quickly
that mine might glimmer back at you,
smiling and looking so precious below me.

PSA Driving fast

On Monday I was on 780 heading East. Suddenly a car got on the freeway, cut over to my lane and flicked his lights at me. There was a car directly next to me. I sped up. The person next to me sped up. I slowed down (to get behind the guy next to me). The guy behind me turned on his high beams and left them on for the next two miles. His high beams encompassed all mirrors I had. I could not look into my two side mirrors, my two blind spot mirrors nor my rear view mirror without seeing his high beams. At that point I knew not where the car on the side of me was. Was it next to me or far behind me? I just didn't know. So I didn't know if I needed to go faster or slow down to get out of the lane I was in. Eventually it became clear that the car next to me had reduced its speed. The guy behind me turned off his high beams, got over and passed me. As he passed me, he rolled down his window and shoved his middle finger out at me. Then he promptly got off three miles after he had gotten on.

For this Public Service Announcement - I would like to help out this guy and future drivers. If you need to go three miles in a hurry on highway 780 might I suggest the following:

1. Leave Earlier
2. Grow wings and fly there
3. Buy a Helicopter
4. Rent a Dragon
5. Or you could just be patient

One thing I'd like to suggest you don't do is blind the person in front of you. This will only make you be late to whatever activity you were running late for.